Enough people have told me to start some sort of journal about my journey. I don't write much, but I figured I'd give it a shot. Not sure what to write about, but my mother's said to me when I don't know what to write about, write that down and go from there.
So I don't know what to write about, and that worries me sometimes. I wonder what's so great about what's going on in my brain that I should put it into written words. What great thoughts do I have that I could share with the world? What can be so great that someone would take the time to read?
As I write these questions down I am breaking out in a sweat. I'm not sure why I get so nervous about this. I used to feel confident in school when writing papers, because I felt I was good at them. I was good at putting together decent essays and research papers about crap I really didn't care about. I also never did much creative writing, or any writing about myself or my thoughts. So this is new. This is different. This is me, in words. I'm not sure how I like myself in words.
I don't feel like I belong. It's a weird thought to think, but it's a feeling that never really goes away. I am sometimes distracted enough by what's happening around me that I forget I feel that way, but the feeling always seems to come back.
But let's not write about that yet.
Let's write about why I'm doing something that may seem crazy.
Okay, let's do that.
So, I am doing something that may seem crazy: I am walking. I am going on a walk, into the world. I have gotten rid of my job, my apartment, my car, my cellphone, and a lot of my material belongings, and I'm going to walk outside for a while. I guess that may seem crazy, and maybe it is, but I have to do this. I have to shed myself of the fat, start at zero, and see what grows from it. I am, almost irritatingly, aware that this may ruin my future, but I can't know what that future is, so I don't know what it would've been. That means I am building it still, and it can be anything.
Why do this? That's an excellent question, and one not easily answered.
Short answer:
-I need to. I must.
Long answer:
-I wasn't happy doing what I was doing, even though I felt I was doing it right.
-All too often I wondered if my job was the right one for me.
-Despite my success at work, working didn't feel right.
-So many days I've felt like my options were narrowing.
-I felt a crippling, overwhelming, and ominous fear that my life would become too monotonous to bear.
-Too many times I found myself feeling depressed that I was cooped up in my home, missing out on experiences I could not imagine.
-I wanted to meet new people.
-I needed to see new places.
-I felt the necessity of breaking out of my introverted tendencies, and force myself out.
-I was too comfortable with my conditions.
-I needed less financial responsibilities.
-I wanted to draw more.
-I wanted to be involved in more theatre.
-I wanted to play the violin again.
-I wanted adventure.
Something is driving me to do this that is harder to explain. The thought I get everyday that "this is not it" hasn't left me alone. I have been in school, and done it well, but that wasn't for me. I have been in the military, and done that well, but that wasn't right for me. I have held a job, and succeeded at it, but that wasn't it for me. So what then? What should I be doing? Why do I have such an aversion to the systems everyone around me seems to adhere to so easily? What is it about me that knows I can conform, but don't want to? Why do I feel like I'm playing some part in a play I can't read the script to?
One major reason for this move is that I've always loved drawing and acting, but I never thought I could maintain my standard of living if I pursued one or both of them. I looked at my bills and imagined how far into debt I would go if I suddenly decided to pursue my hobbies as careers, so I would immediately dismiss the idea.
I found myself in a self generating cycle:
-I worked to live in a place I lived in to work.
-I worked for a car that I needed to get to work with.
-I was too tired to do the things I love, because I worked too hard and too much.
-The more money I made, the more I spent it, the more I needed it, the more I had to work.
I started seeing my financial obligations as the big obstacle in doing what I wanted. I saw my job as a necessity to maintain those obligations at bay. I was paralyzed by the idea that I wouldn't experience instantly gratifying success in becoming some sort of artist, and I would slowly, painfully have to part with everything I had built up to maintain my standard of living. So, logically, I came to the conclusion that it would be better for the band aid to be ripped all at once. Become homeless now so you won't suffer through the process. Get rid of all the things you think you will lose by taking this leap.
Think you'll become homeless? Ha! Be homeless already, and you'll have nothing to worry about! All you can do is improve your situation! Think you won't be able to pay your bills? Get rid of them! You don't NEED your car, it's a convenience. You don't NEED your home, it's a comfort. These are all standards and conditions I have become accustomed to, because I've always had them, thanks to my parents' hard work and, more recently, my own. It's easy to think sometimes that there is no other way of living, but we are human beings, and human beings are animals and animals live in this world, not secluded from it.
So maybe I'm crazy. Maybe I've lost my sound mind. Maybe this won't be for me. Maybe I should have stayed, doing what I was doing, day in and day out. Maybe I shouldn't have quit or moved out. Maybe I should have kept my phone and my car, but I don't regret it, at least not yet.
Maybe I will regret all of this. Maybe I will go out for a day or two and realize what an idiot I am for having gotten myself into this situation. Maybe sooner than later I'll be back to working at some job, living in some apartment, and leading the same kind of life, but I'll have tried. If I try and fail, I'll have won, because I tried. Even if I don't make it a week, I tried it. The thought of coming this close and not actually doing it seems a more regretful decision than trying it and finding it doesn't work. Then I can ask myself, "See? That was stupid, wasn't it?" and I can confidently answer myself, "Not stupid, necessary."
It's time to trim the fat. It's time to start from nothing. It's time to not have what I thought I should, and find out what I truly need. It's time to see what happens if I put as much work into what I love as I have into what I thought was necessary. It's time to go out into the world and see it for what it is, at least through my eyes. I'm tired of relying on others to tell me what it is. I need to make my own observations, and come to my own conclusions. That's what I'm going to write about. That's what this blog is going to be. I will write down what I observe and conclude through my experiences. That's who I'm going to be in words.
